Personal

A letter to myself

I think at some point, we all lose ourselves. One way or another, something’s going to knock us down and make us see the kind of life we are living. There will be a point in your life wherein the universe would really break you and it’s not just one blow. It’s blow after blow after blow and you’re really gonna find yourself in a pit hole. It might seem like you won’t get out of it, it will feel like you’re drowning endlessly and it’s gonna bad wording suffocate you. A defining moment that will make you see your life in front of you. It’s like in the movies where you see a character dying and their lives flashing before them. The only difference is that you’re alive and the universe is intentionally breaking you to change you.

That’s what happened to me. No, actually it’s still happening to me. And to be honest, it’s hard to see the good in something that hurts you. It’s hard to stand up and say “Putangina, kaya ko to.” It’s hard to accept the fact that in this world we call home, we’re surrounded by so many people and yet we really are alone. We think we’d always have someone, we think we’d survive anything as long as we have someone, and we hope that there is someone. But little do we know, that someone that we are constantly in search for, is ourselves. We are so caught up in the idea that someone’s going to save us, from what, I don’t know. But truth is, ikaw lang. Ikaw lang talaga. It’s a constant battle we go through and it’s the fear we all have but it’s the most liberating thing in this world – coming to terms with the fact that in order to survive, we have to learn how to be alone. To see life, to live a life without another person, and above all, to get to know yourself and be whole. So that when someone comes in our lives, we wouldn’t be so dependent on them. We wouldn’t align our lives with them. You are you and he is he. You are not halves. You are whole. You wouldn’t need another person to be complete.

In the midst of that pit, in the midst of that seemingly endless chaos, I found myself. It might have broken me and I will fcking say that it really broke me. It made me question everything; my life, the people around me, my choices, and myself but it’s something that had to happen, you know? Ang hirap tanggapin na kinailangan mangyari para makilala at mahanap ko yung sarili ko, pero that’s the truth that I had and still have to accept. In life, we will get hurt. We have to get hurt. We won’t grow in a place where we feel the safest, we will grow in places we aren’t familiar to. We will grow in places that we feel uncomfortable in.

I am not a statue, I am not bounded, and I am not made to be the same in my lifetime. I am not here to be made whole by another person. I am here to live a life I won’t forget when it ends. I am here to breathe, to see the world, to meet people that will complement my existence, to discover what I have to offer, and to be the person that I am meant to be all along.

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